HOW am I being AGGRESSIVE - Am I forcing my own rights and needs onto another without giving thought how it effects them - Am I putting myself first and being rigid, hostile, demanding, disrespectful, not negotiating
WHAT is my basic MESSAGE? - Am I YELLING this is what I think... you're stupid if you think different - Am I ACTING as if what I want is important... what you want isn't - Am I SAYING my feeling is the one that counts.. not yours - Am I GROWLING Its going to my way or no way
WHAT LIVES inside that? - To be in a position like this is NOT normal - You feel that you are DISOBEYING what is normal - PASSIVE is normal even though you hate it right now - AGGRESSIVE is NOT normal but - FEEL freaky, extreme discomfort when FORCED to feel enraged and aggressive in the body
ALARMS BELLS how does it make you feel? - angry, forced, pushed, snap - don't want to alienate others - unable to control my anger - feel bad
HOW are you being PASSIVE? - Am I Not standing up for a right? - Am I Letting another push me around? - Am I Letting another put their words in my mouth? - Am I Letting another put their need, want, feeling ahead of mine?
If any of the above are true chances are you are being passive
WHAT is your BASIC message? - Hey I don't count... you can take advantage of me. - Hey My feelings don't matter... only yours do - Hey My thoughts aren't important... yours are the only ones worth listening to... - Hey I'm nothing... your much more important
If any of the above are true chances are your basic message is not healthy for you nor is it empowering to the other.
WHAT LIVES inside that? - That its NORMAL that I feel like that - That its NOT normal when I try to DISOBEY that - That the second I DO try to disobey I feel squirm, horror, discomfort in my BODY as IF I am about to do something BAD
If any of the above are true chances are high you will not move from this place and when you do it will be infantile.
ALARMS BELLS how does it make you feel? - anxious resentful confused - angry stuck hopeless - pushed disrespected no control
WHAT is being assertive? - Am I Standing up for my rights without violating the rights of others - Am I EXPRESSING my point while also being respectful of the others ideas, feelings - Am I Expressing my own thoughts, feelings, wants and needs directly and honestly WHAT is the basic message? - You know Joe this is what I think... - You know Marion this is what I feel... - You know Jemmie this is how I see the situation... - No thank you Helen I don't want to do that right now... - Mary I know you would like that, but I would prefer this. How can we reach agreement here? WHAT LIVES inside that? - That assertive is the NEW normal - That passive is disobeying what is OLD normal - That aggressive is disobeying what is OLD normal - Be comfortable disobeying the OLD normal
My name is Robert Litjens, I am a "Performance Catalyst" and I help protect leverage and grow the relationship between the contractor and agent in 3 critical areas where the relationship is most vulnerable and increase the value the contractor is to the agent and the agents client.
